The Two Buckys
by TheMajesticLoki
Summary: Based off of a Cards Against Humanity chat. This is the best thing I've ever written. Tony sings Niki Minaj in the shower. Loki is sassy. Steve makes odd comments. Nat is in the closet. The Buckys are bonding.


"Cards against humanity chats turned into fanfictions are the worst things ever," muttered Jarvis. Unfortunately, no one heard him, because Tony was loudly singing Niki Minaj while in the shower.

"STARSHIIPS," he screeched, "Were meant to flyyYyYyy!"

"Tony, please," muttered Bucky, who was sitting in the living room drinking and generally looking like the depressed soviet dumpster prince that he was.

"Meanwhile, Natasha and Steve are said to be having a scandalous affair, according to this card," continued Jarvis.

"Wait, whAT?!"shouted Bucky. "Not my Steve, no!"

"Hey Bucky, what's going on?" Nat asked, walking into the room.

"How could you do this to me, O ginger one?" he cried, then picked her up and shoved her in the closet. Nat usually doesn't take kindly to being shoved places, but it was Bucky, and he was adorable, so she accepted it and decided to pass the time in the closet by thinking about new ways to kill people using only a rubber band and 1,000 Bucky Bears.

Suddenly there were two Buckys.

"What," said Bucky, staring at other Bucky.

"What," said other Bucky, staring at Bucky.

They kept staring.

And staring.

For like ten minutes.

"Proud Cat Mom isn't Marvel," cried Spiderman, swinging into the room. "Exile!"

"Now we have two stabby metal army people," said Charles Xavier. Who is this Charles. Why is he here.

Bucky continued staring. Other Bucky stared back.

"Stairs," whispered Spiderman, hanging upside-down from the ceiling.

"Stairs are the enemy," Charles Xavier muttered.

"Hey kids, I'm home!" Loki entered the room, his beautiful hair fluttering majestically in the wind. Why is there wind inside. What is this. "Woah, there are two of you now?"

Other Bucky stared.

"You walk in on Bucky having sex with Captain America's ass," Jarvis supplied.

"No!" shouted other Bucky.

"But Steve," cried Bucky.

"He's my mission," growled other Bucky.

"He's my boyfriend," yelled Bucky.

"WHat," gasped other Bucky. "EW."

"He's not ew, he's adorable," said Bucky, glaring.

"Natasha though," countered other Bucky.

"I refuse to fondue anyone but Steve," declared Bucky, sipping at his bottle of alcohol, very clearly distressed.

"Except maybe Nat."

"NOOO!"

"Nat."

"Okay fine, Nat."

"But who wouldn't."

"Yeah…"

"Staiiiirs," sang Spiderman.

"You… you are not the real Bucky," proclaimed Loki, pointing at other Bucky.

"Whaa? NooOOOooo!" wailed other Bucky, who then ran underneath the couch to hide.

"Woah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it Bucky baby," backtracked Loki. "Nooo…"

"Drink?" Bucky asked, rolling a bottle of vodka under the sofa.

"Apple juice?" asked Steve, who was suddenly just there. (Suddenly Steve. Just add water and mix.)

Thirty seconds later the empty bottle rolled back out from underneath the sofa.

"Not apple juice." Steve held up a stop sign that Tony had apparently stolen.

"Bruce Banner is actually Bruce Banner having a bigger penis than the Hulk," announced Jarvis.

"Wow, Bruce," mumbled Loki. "Who knew."

"I diiiid," sang Tony, who was still in the shower. I mean his showers probably cost like 5 billion dollars so I would stay in there all day too.

"When will my Tony return from the shower," sighed Loki.

Meanwhile, Bucky was rolling even more bottles of vodka under the couch to other Bucky.

"Aw, the Bucky's are bonding," sighed Loki happily.

A hissing sound came from under the couch.

"Wait, are you guys drinking Tony's whole alcohol supply?" asked Loki. "He's not going to be happy…"

"Yeah," replied Bucky. "And I know, that's why we're going to blame it on you."

"Tony won't mind… he loves me…" Loki whispered to himself.

"Everybody loves me," other Bucky whispered from under the couch.

Steve held up a picture of an apple.

"I love apples," said Draco Malfoy dreamily. What. He doesn't even go here.

"I feel uncomfortable, can we focus this back on me?" asked Loki. "I don't like it when I'm not at the centre of attention."

"Horse porn featuring Loki is behind Nick Fury's eye patch," Jarvis told them.

"Brother, why," asked Thor, appearing majestically.

"Shut up, Thor, I do what I want," Loki snapped. He threw a box of Poptarts at Thor's head.

"Oooh, Poptarts!" boomed Thor, tearing open the box and devouring 20 of them.

"Poptarts?" asked other Bucky from other the couch.

"Soldier of Winter! You have been doubled!" boomed Thor. "Would you like a poptart?"

"Poptart!" screamed other Bucky.

"Here you go, friend," he said, setting a poptart near the couch. A metal hand snuck out and grabbed it.

"Poptarts are actually Thor's children," Loki informed everyone helpfully.

"Nyan," agreed Steve, who was busy making flower crowns out of roses and patriotism.

Thor set another Poptart down for other Bucky, slightly closer to himself this time in an attempt to bribe other Bucky to come out from under the couch. Unfortunately, other Bucky did not fall for this trick and just summoned the poptart with his magical soviet potato powers.

"Why doesn't other Bucky love meee!" wailed Thor.

"Because other Bucky only loves Bucky," replied Loki.

"And Steve," mumbled Steve.

"fguUGJH," cried other Bucky.

"Shh, other Bucky is sensitive," reprimanded Bucky. "It's okay, other Bucky. I am coming under the couch to cuddle you now." And so Bucky crawled under the couch to cuddle other Bucky.

"Bucky has issues," muttered Loki.

"Want a tissue?" asked Steve.

"But why do the two Bucky's get along so well?" asked Thor.

"Threesome with Steve," Steve whispered.

"I ship it," declared Loki.

"Dick Fury has entered the game," announced Jarvis.

"Who is this 'Dick Fury'?" inquired Thor.

"Wait, hasn't Nat been in the closet for like three hours?" Bucky asked from under the couch.

"Hasn't Bruce been in the closet for like his whole life?" replied Loki.

"NAAAAAAAT!" screamed other Bucky, who ran out from under the couch to grab Nat out of the closet, then ran back under the couch with Nat faster than a chinchilla could eat a human soul.

"Seems the couch is the new closet," muttered Nat from under the couch.

"My anaconda don't," Steve told her.

"That must be a giant couch," Loki said. "It fits like three people under it. And like 20 bottles of vodka."

"It is Tony's couch, what would you expect?" asked Nat.

"Staar Spangled Maaaaaan with a plaaaan," sang Bucky.

"давайте обниматься внутри буррито," muttered Natasha.

"Стив пользуется щупальца порно," replied Bucky.

"I know how to say chimichanga in 15 languages," announced a random Deadpool.

"It's the same," muttered Steve.

"Hey-o, Steve-o," greeted Deadpool. "How is everyone's favourite human icicle?"

"Capsicle," called Tony from the shower.

"What does Clint do in the air vents? Watching everyone, silently judging," Jarvis told everyone.

"Я собираюсь разбить голову в с шлакоблока," howled other Bucky.

"действительно, он изменял мне с птицей," agreed Natasha.

"What," said Loki.

"They're planning Clint's murder," Bucky explained.

"I like planning murders," whispered Loki.

Steve held up a baby chinchilla.

The End.


End file.
